/* fivel rothberg */

Now that my bubbie, my grandmother, is ill, my mother has to become her advocate, more than ever.  She feels a significant responsibility in this regard because my bubbie’s other children are out of the picture.

Her son abandoned his wife and four children a long time ago.  His children, now grown and with kids of their own do not know their grandfather. My uncle is incommunicado and only shows up once in a while to ask for money.  It is likely that he has lived with an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness given the stories I have heard about him.  His former wife, my aunt, remarried and is living the comfortable life as she deserves.  She may have married “up” but she has always been extremely hardworking.

Her youngest daughter, my aunt, is upset at my bubbie, for an unknown reason.  She will not even allow her only daughter, my cousin, to talk with bubbie.  This, in turn, makes bubbie upset because she wants desperately to be in contact with her granddaughter.   My aunt is relentlessly upset and suffers from similar emotional illnesses that I do, yet they have gone untreated – much like her older brother.  She has no close friends and is constantly unhappy in her marriage, her living situation, etc…  Through all of this, my athletic and intelligent younger cousin has remained vigilent in her studies and leads a normal social life.  My aunt’s self-inflicted alienation is frustrating to those who love her.

My bubbie’s other daughter, my second aunt, is fiercely independent.  She lives with her partner on the west coast.  She is a professionally successful yet is now hitting hard times and is looking into new means of income.  Presently, she is not talking with my bubbie because of a minor incident that occurred on the phone a while back.  This leaves her out of the support network for now as well.

Given the absense of her siblings’ support, mother feels, realistically, that she is the one who will be the primary responsible party.  However, my bubbie’s last remaining brother, and his wife, feel that they are also responsible for her care. They would like to see her move from Jerusalem where she has been living for 20 plus years to Lakewood, New Jersey where she would have a larger support network.  For now they recommended hiring a family member in Israel to look after bubbie as long as she remains in Jerusalem.

The situation is dire because it is her relativley new husband, of about 1 1/2 years, is very ill himself, and according to their prenuptial agreement he is not financially responsible for her medical care.  Yet while my bubbie has virtually no money to her name, her husband owns income generating property in both Israel and the U.S.  Indeed, he gives money to his children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren and pays for their expensive weddings and numerous ceremonies.  That being said, my mother believes their prenuptial agreement may be void because it was written in Hebrew, which my bubbie cannot read.  Furthermore, it may be nullified because of his responsibilities as a husband according to Jewish law.

In the process of advocating for my bubbie, my mother has come up against two of my step-grandfather’s three daughters.  They were always against the marriage, which came about quickly.  Their mother and brother died in a tragic car accident together.  He then remarried several years later.   I believe that he was looking to marry a live-in maid.  When I visited them last January I observed that while she shleped around for him, he bossed her around and did nothing on her behalf.  Their marriage was certainly not for love.  It was more of a business transaction than anything else.  My bubbie admittedly married her new husband because she was lonely and did not want to be alone after her second husband passed away several years ago.  Prior to the marriage my mother heard about the prenuptial agreement and some of its terms but my bubbie did not let her see the actual agreement.  At the time my mother tried to convince her not to get married, or at least to be more cautious in selecting a partner and the terms of marriage to be agreed upon.  My mother was apparently aware that bubbie was going to get the short end of the stick and in the future rely on her for financial support if she lived that long.  Even at the time of their marriage her new husband was not in good health.  Now that his health is declining rapidly his daughters want to bring him from Israel to live in the U.S. in a home that he bought for one of them long ago. It has an in-law apartment attached to it, that he built as an addition a few years ago.  Apparently they did not even consider having my bubbie come with him to live there.  I am not sure what her husband’s opinion is on this matter.  But considering the situation, I have to assume that he is fine with abandoning his wife, my bubbie, to live on her on own.  Further, his sisters may want to kick her out of his condominium in Jerusalem.  This would not only be a cruel act, but one that might be against Jewish law as well.

In bubbie’s defense, my mother is fully willing to take serious action and I am in full support of what she intends.  She talked with me last night about first looking into what language the prenuptial contract was written in to see if it is void.  Then, if her stepfather’s daughters are indeed planning to evict bubbie she would “ruin their good name.”   In the Orthodox Jewish one’s reputation is crucial in such a tight knit community.  Further, the chief rabbi that they follow would also come under criticism for what he has sanctioned.

The irony that the title of this post refers to is that the Orthodox community, ideally, should be one of support and, hopefully, equity under Jewish law.   Yet, Orthodox or not people can be self-centered pricks.  Yet, I suppose because Orthodox Judaism is part of my heritage I find it all the more infuriating.  It’s as if my distant “possession” of Judaism allows me to judge it more harshly.  I also, being completely removed from the everyday life of an Orthodox Jew, I tend to idealize the benefits of a such a lifestyle – at least to some degree.  That being said, I think that you’ll find this kind of scenario in any orthodox religious or ideological scenario – whether Catholic or anarchist.   We’re all subject to humankind’s flaws.
With all of the above, I can’t help but this dramatic scenario would make a fascinating documentary film.